Got My Shark In A Box

Look what the land shark delivered yesterday – a box o’ MEGALODON IN PARADISE! Way better than a candy gram. 

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I’ll be carting those copies to my multi-author appearance at Icarus Brewing (kinda close to Jersey Devil territory) in Lakewood, NJ on August 26th. If I return with any, I’ll let you know so you can order signed books directly from me. If you’re in Joisey, come on down and hang with me, Tim Meyer, Chuck Buda and Frank Edler. We’ll be drunk dudes in loose moods as we close out the summer the proper way! 

icarus beer

Top 5 Bigfoot Recordings – Squatch Speaks!

Whether they are real or fake, nothing makes the hairs on the back of my neck stand up straighter than audio recordings of Bigfoot yelling, screeching and speaking in the woods.

Look, I’m a city boy. The woods without a Bigfoot are big and scary places to me. If you add being surrounded by squatches, well, just bury me under a pine tree and tell my momma I died knowing the truth.

Arguably the most famous of all Bigfoot audio recordings are the Sierra Sounds, captured back in the 1970s. You can hear people interacting with squatches throughout. For you Bigfoot enthusiasts, this is a must listen.

 

Now here’s one that is quite controversial (aren’t they all?). It was recorded just a few years ago and features a camper having a relatively pleasant conversation with a Bigfoot. Hell, even if this was some dude talking to me in the dark, I’d mess myself.

 

This one is strange but again, it sucks me down the rabbit hole. Not sure a Sasquatch would speak English, but the interpretation comes from the person making the recording, similar to EVP. You hear what you want to or think you should hear.

 

Team Squatchin’ USA has a host of Bigfoot audio you can listen to right on their home page. Play it so loud the neighbors can hear and wonder what the hell is going on in your house. Click their logo to go down a deep, dark, wonderful rabbit hole.

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This is supposedly a very pissed off Bigfoot pitching a fit. Not sure if I’d stick around to record it, but hey, some folks are braver than me.

The Dangers of X-Ray Glasses

Growing up, there were two things that really made me want to have a pair of X-ray glasses. First, they were advertised in just about every comic book I owned. They were cheap (anywhere from a buck to a whopping $3) and you could see through anything, including walls that hid ladies changing in their nightgowns. At least that’s what the images in the ads implied.

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Second, I was obsessed with the movie, THE MAN WITH THE X-RAY EYES, starring Ray Milland and directed by the legend himself, Roger Corman. I knew things didn’t turn out well for old Ray (the mean bastard who had his head implanted on Rosie Greer’s body in The Thing With Two Heads), but I would learn from his mistakes.

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Needless to say, my parents refused to buy them, citing the fact that they were a ripoff, total crap and would, at best, make me cross-eyed. I have to admit, I harbored a little resentment for a while there. I made my own pair out of cheap sunglasses, but I’ll be damned if all it did was cause me to walk into walls.

Well, I may have never owned a pair of comic book X-ray specs, but I did get the chance to write about them in my latest MAIL ORDER MASSACRES RELEASEOPTICAL DELUSION. 

Optical Delusion

Set in the late 70’s, I can’t believe I created a cautionary tale about the dangers of X-Ray glasses. I truly have become my father!

If you ever wanted your own pair as a kid, grab this terrifying little novella and be happy you never got ’em. And if you did get a pair, share your story with the class! I’d love to hear how they worked for you and the sheer bitterness of your disappointment.

About the book : 

Put on a pair of “X-Ray” glasses and things will never look the same! These almost magical specs will make you the hit of the party! Astonishing three-dimensional X-Ray visions of what your friends—and girls—look like under their clothes! And all for just $1.

THE MORE YOU WEAR THEM . . .

Martin Blackstone punishes his son for wasting his allowance on a pair of flimsy cardboard sunglasses X-ray vision . . . yeah, right. Martin tries them on just for the hell of it—and all they do is give him a headache . . .

. . . THE DEEPER YOU’LL SEE.

Until he sees things he can’t possibly be seeing. Glimpses of things on the other side of a wall or beneath someone’s clothing. He wants to believe it’s just his overactive imagination but the “X-Ray” specs actually work. Then the fun novelty becomes a waking nightmare when the glasses burn into his face and he starts seeing horrifying apocalyptic visions no mortal man was ever meant to see. Images that alter his very personality—from a husband and father to a bloodthirsty homicidal maniac . . .

Because sometimes you can see too much.

Order your copy for just $1.99 today! 

If you buy Optical Delusion but didn’t get a chance to read the first book in the MAIL ORDER MASSACRES series, send a screen shot of your purchase to huntershea1@gmail.com. The first 2 people to do so will win a free copy of JUST ADD WATER. 

An Exciting New Project – CLASH OF THE CRYPTIDS!

Bigfoot battling Chupacabras to the death! The Jersey Devil squaring off in an aerial fight with Thunderbirds! Mongolian Death Worms rising from the earth to swallow up Mothman! Dover Demons running rampant! Loch Ness Monsters bursting from the Loch to devour villages! The world is overrun with monsters, and only a select few can stop the madness.

Imagine all of that and so much more. Welcome to my Patreon exclusive choose your adventure monthly serial, CLASH OF THE CRYPTIDS!

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Starting in September, we’re going to make history together with the first ever choose your adventure horror novel. CLASH OF THE CRYPTIDS will feature returning characters from my past books, including :

Rooster Murphy (Swamp Monster Massacre)

Nick Brogna (The Dover Demon)

Natalie & Austin McQueen, and Henrik Kooper (Loch Ness Revenge, Savage Jungle)

The Willet clan and Norm Cranston (The Jersey Devil)

Dalton Gray (The Montauk Monster)

And a few more surprise guests.

For just $1 a month, you not only get to read each monthly installment, but vote on where the next chapter will take us. A poll will be posted after each chapter and YOU DECIDE the next chapter. For $3 a month, you’ll also be a character that will eventually become cryptid chow. Monsters gotta eat! For $5 a month, you’ll receive a print edition of the book when it’s complete. And all pledge levels get other exclusive access and behind the scenes peeks into my insane life.

So, if you want to be part of cryptid history, visit Patreon today and become a true blue Hellion. We’re taking the cryptid mania right to 11.

Special shout out goes to Jerry Mulcahy for designing some of the best damn artwork for this beast of a book!

Strap in folks. The world’s about to get a whole lot more interesting.

New Shark Novel – MEGALODON IN PARADISE

You wanted a Megalodon book, you’ve got it. Even better, it drops right on shark week. I couldn’t have asked for better timing.

Hellions around the world, I present MEGALODON IN PARADISE!

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The cover should tell you, this ain’t your typical Meg adventure.

Island life can be deadly.

For Ollie Arias, owning an island in Micronesia is beyond his wildest dreams. Moving his best friends from college to share his dream…priceless. A little urban exploration of the abandoned military lab unearths strange, dark secrets. And awakens a slumbering beast that has gone decades without food. Ollie and his pals have unwittingly unleashed a deadly infection above, and a prehistoric killing machine below. The storm of the century is headed their way. Paradise has never been so close to hell.

So after you’ve watched Michael Phelps race a Great White, click here to order your copy of Megalodon in Paradise and see what a real bad ass shark is capable of. Phelps would have been chum in two seconds with the beastie in this one.

The 4 Keys to Writing Success

I used to say there were 2 central keys to becoming a writer, with a lot of little caveats that add up to a big ball of wax. But without those 2 keys, you can’t unlock the door to publishing. In fact, I wrote a whole book about it and how to get published.

I was just sitting in my car waiting for traffic to unsnarl when it hit me that there are actually 4 keys to writing. The other keys were always there, just not in the forefront of my mind and advice.

“Dude, why do you keep prattling on about keys? Are you a valet or locksmith?”

Valid point.

I’ve been many things (and called many more), but those professions have so far eluded me.

What are these keys? Let’s dive right in. I’ll start with my first 2 tried and true.

READ – I’ll keep preaching this until I’m blue in the face and my tongue falls out of my mouth. You cannot expect to become a writer if you’re not a reader. It’s the equivalent of saying you want to be a baker but you have never tasted a baked good or know what goes into them. Every book you read, and you should read a wide and varied lot, is a vital part of your education and maturation as a writer. You’ll learn the art of writing and storytelling both consciously and subconsciously. I read over 100 books a year and still feel as if I’ve come up short. Read every chance you get. Read great writing. Read bad writing. Read shampoo bottles and fine print. Just read.

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WRITE – Pretty self-explanatory. You can talk the talk, but eventually, you need to walk the walk. Or, more accurately, sit the sit. If you’ve found a way to walk and write, call me so I can learn from a master. Writers have to write, either to satisfy their inner need to write or an impatient editor. You have to get the words all the way to THE END. Then you have to go back and edit and polish and submit.

Once you’re done with one project, start the next. Or do several at once. Remember, ABW – Always Be Writing. That’s not to say you can’t have days where you goof off or fall down the Netflix rabbit hole. That’s life. But you have to make writing a priority.

SUPPORT – Writing is a very solitary experience. It’s not natural. You can spend years toiling away, missing out on family events, trips, parties, never knowing if anyone will ever read, or better yet, buy your work. There are times you’ll feel like giving up. That’s where you need to have someone at your back. It can be a spouse, friend, fellow struggling writer, established writer who has become your mentor, even a stranger on a train who for some reason believes in you, writer dude.

Your support team needs to be there to run interference so you can concentrate on writing, pick you up when you’re down, and be honest with you when you need feedback. It’s a tough role for someone to fill, but absolutely necessary. I’ve been lucky. My wife has fully supported my dream from the start, even when it looked like I was spinning my wheels for nothing. She told me to never give up. I didn’t. I even tattooed it on my arm as a constant reminder. Find your rock, and avoid others who want to derail your efforts or mock you for even trying like the plague they are.

TALENT – I’ve read a lot of books on writing/publishing, and not many come right out and say you need talent to make a go of this. I don’t believe that if you lock a bunch of monkeys in a room with laptops that they will eventually write Shakespeare. I think you’ll get an eternity of monkey gibberish.

Talent is hard to define and impossible to create from thin air. You can fine tune and polish your talent (because it will be in very raw form at the start), but you can’t make it magically appear. You either got it or you don’t. That’s where your support system comes in. If they’re truly honest and good, they will tell you if your book is worth its weight in ink and paper.

Elicit the opinions of others that you trust and get their feedback. Hire a professional editor who will be blunt and impartial. Compare your writing to others in the genre. I know we writers can be poor judges of our own writing, but doing a little side by side can shed light on whether or not you’ve got the chops. So, feel free to tattoo Never Give Up if you have the talent. If you don’t, it’s perfectly fine to give up and find where your talents lie.

 

There you have it, my updated and revised 4 keys to writing. If you took the time to read this whole post, you can check off key #1 for the day. Now get back in your chair and start writing. I’ll be waiting for you at the finish line.

#FreeBooks and Fireworks

In honor of Independence Day, I’m going to give away 4 copies (for the Fourth of July…get it!) of my Mail Order Massacres novella, JUST ADD WATER, to the first 4  people who sign up for my Dark Hunter Newsletter. And even if you’re not among the four, new subscribers also get a free copy of my alien abduction terror, DARK MASTER.

Click here to enter. 

Good luck and don’t forget to watch the Nathan’s hot dog eating championship. It’s always a big event in the Shea castle. Team Joey Chestnut!

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