That’s right, all 3 novellas in the Mail Order Massacres series – JUST ADD WATER, OPTICAL DELUSION & MONEY BACK GUARANTEE, are now in one collection, aptly titled MAIL ORDER MASSACRES. It’s is officially available today in both ebook and print.
Sea monkeys. 3-D specs. Hypno-coins. Ant farms. Kryptonite rocks. Miniature submarines made from cardboard. All available for a buck or less from the back page of comic books. And we blew our weekly allowance on these rip-offs, only to be disappointed when they turned out to be total crap.
But what if these bogus products had side effects not advertised? In horror master Hunter Shea’s MAIL ORDER MASSACRE, sometimes you do get more than you paid for . . .
JUST ADD WATER
It’s been years since David and Patrick flushed away the dead Sea Serpents they got in the mail. After thriving in the toxic stew of pollution, strange, slimy creatures now rise from the sewers. Once the screaming starts, David and Patrick realize that their childhood pets really did come to life. With a vengeance. They’re massive monsters. . . and ravenous for human flesh!
Martin punishes his son for wasting his allowance on a pair of cardboard X-ray specs. But when Martin tries them on, he’s stunned to see through walls and clothes. But the novelty becomes a waking nightmare when the glasses burn into his face and he starts seeing horrifying apocalyptic visions no mortal man was ever meant to see. Images that turn him from a husband and father to a bloodthirsty homicidal maniac . . .
MONEY BACK GUARANTEE
With her son’s heart set on piloting his own nuclear submarine, Rosemary orders the craft advertised on the back of a comic book. But when her son nearly drowns in the swimming pool, an enraged Rosemary complains to the Better Business Bureau. The company’s customer service center retaliates with threatening phone calls. Then her son and husband disappear. Now it’s all-out war and Rosemary wants her $5.00 back!
Once again, the folks at Graphic Audio have knocked it out of the park. The’ve gathered all three of my Mail Order Massacres novellas (JUST ADD WATER, OPTICAL DELUSION & MONEY BACK GUARANTEE) into one absolutely wild audiobook, complete with an astounding cast, monster sound effects and chilling music.
If you click over to Graphic Audio, you’ll get to hear a sample of JUST ADD WATER and hear the ravenous sea serpents begin their assault on the people of Virginia Avenue. This is an audiobook like no other. Listen to it with headphones on at night and I promise it will freak you out!
Imagine buying your son a nuclear submarine from the pages of his favorite comic book. His joy in receiving a cheap cardboard sub in the mail is quickly followed by near tragedy. You want your money back (and to kick some ass for making such a thing), but the company that made it is going to take so much more from you unless you go to the source and put a stop to it.
And there you have the final installment of my MAIL ORDER MASSACRES trilogy, MONEY BACK GUARANTEE. It’s now available everywhere ebooks are sold for only $1.99!
The early reviews have been fantastic. If we get more of these, coupled with robust sales, I believe Lyrical Press may ask for more stories!
“Fast moving and gripping. I love the hell out of the concept behind this series.” — Michael Patrick Hicks, author of Mass Hysteria and Black Site
“A fast-paced romp that will leave you smiling and cringing in equal measures. The last selection in Hunter Shea’s “Mail Order Massacres” series is my personal favorite of the three.” Horror After Dark
“A fast paced story that can easily be knocked off in one sitting. Was it fun? Hell, yeah! Was it engaging? Oh yes!…highly recommended!” — Char’s Horror Corner
So put down that comic book and take a wild ride into madness and revenge!
Growing up, there were two things that really made me want to have a pair of X-ray glasses. First, they were advertised in just about every comic book I owned. They were cheap (anywhere from a buck to a whopping $3) and you could see through anything, including walls that hid ladies changing in their nightgowns. At least that’s what the images in the ads implied.
Second, I was obsessed with the movie, THE MAN WITH THE X-RAY EYES, starring Ray Milland and directed by the legend himself, Roger Corman. I knew things didn’t turn out well for old Ray (the mean bastard who had his head implanted on Rosie Greer’s body in The Thing With Two Heads), but I would learn from his mistakes.
Needless to say, my parents refused to buy them, citing the fact that they were a ripoff, total crap and would, at best, make me cross-eyed. I have to admit, I harbored a little resentment for a while there. I made my own pair out of cheap sunglasses, but I’ll be damned if all it did was cause me to walk into walls.
Well, I may have never owned a pair of comic book X-ray specs, but I did get the chance to write about them in my latest MAIL ORDER MASSACRES RELEASE – OPTICAL DELUSION.
Set in the late 70’s, I can’t believe I created a cautionary tale about the dangers of X-Ray glasses. I truly have become my father!
If you ever wanted your own pair as a kid, grab this terrifying little novella and be happy you never got ’em. And if you did get a pair, share your story with the class! I’d love to hear how they worked for you and the sheer bitterness of your disappointment.
About the book :
Put on a pair of “X-Ray” glasses and things will never look the same! These almost magical specs will make you the hit of the party! Astonishing three-dimensional X-Ray visions of what your friends—and girls—look like under their clothes! And all for just $1.
THE MORE YOU WEAR THEM . . .
Martin Blackstone punishes his son for wasting his allowance on a pair of flimsy cardboard sunglasses X-ray vision . . . yeah, right. Martin tries them on just for the hell of it—and all they do is give him a headache . . .
. . . THE DEEPER YOU’LL SEE.
Until he sees things he can’t possibly be seeing. Glimpses of things on the other side of a wall or beneath someone’s clothing. He wants to believe it’s just his overactive imagination but the “X-Ray” specs actually work. Then the fun novelty becomes a waking nightmare when the glasses burn into his face and he starts seeing horrifying apocalyptic visions no mortal man was ever meant to see. Images that alter his very personality—from a husband and father to a bloodthirsty homicidal maniac . . .
Because sometimes you can see too much.
If you buy Optical Delusion but didn’t get a chance to read the first book in the MAIL ORDER MASSACRES series, send a screen shot of your purchase to firstname.lastname@example.org. The first 2 people to do so will win a free copy of JUST ADD WATER.
The very first of my Mail Order Massacres novellas, JUST ADD WATER, has leapt from the pages of comic books and into homes everywhere! Did you ever order Sea Monkeys from a comic book as a kid? In JUST ADD WATER, two boys tear the order form from a Wonder Woman comic for a chance to own the Amazing Live Sea Serpents. That was their first mistake.
GROW AMAZING LIVE SEA SERPENTS!
It’s fun! It’s easy! They only cost a measly dollar. Just clip out the ad in your comic book. Then ask Mom to mail it in. A few weeks later, receive a packet of instant Sea Serpent dust. Then:
Just add water . . . and watch them grow!
WHAT COULD GO WRONG?
Just ask David and Patrick. Their “instant pets” are instant duds. They don’t hatch, they don’t grow, they don’t do anything. So they dump them into the sewer where Dad pours toxic chemicals . . .
WAIT UNTIL FEEDING TIME.
It’s been weeks since David and Patrick thought about those Sea Serpents. But now, small animals are disappearing in the neighborhood. Strange slimy creatures are rising from the sewers. And once the screaming starts, David and Patrick realize that their childhood pets really did come to life. With a vengeance. They’re enormous . . . and have a ravenous hunger for human flesh . . .
All of the books in the Mail Order Massacres series are quick, nostalgic, humorous and gory trips back to the late 1970s and early 1980s. All are based on what you used to be able to order from the pages of comic books…gone horribly wrong. Optical Delusion comes out in August, followed by Money Back Guarantee in October. For now, sprinkle your Sea Serpents in your tank and watch ’em grow! Have a gun nearby.
JUST ADD WATER is only $1.99, just like all those comic book goodies back in the day!
Now, if you stuck with me this far, answer this question for a chance to win a free copy of the book. What did you want most from those comic book wonders when you were a kid?