10 Unfathomably Frightening Sea Creature Features
Back when I was a kid growing up in the Bronx, before my obsessions with UFOs and Bigfoot started, I was head over heels in love with the Loch Ness Monster and whales. The little library by my house had lots of whale books with glossy pictures. Luckily for me, it also had a few books on Nessie and other sea creatures. As a little one who knew of small beaches and lakes, the mysteries of the deep fascinated me.
It’s no wonder that when I became a writer, I was eager to pen my own sea monster tales for Severed Press like They Rise, Loch Ness Revenge, Fury of the Orcas and Megalodon in Paradise. You can even throw Just Add Water into the mix if you consider sea monkey-esque beings in a moist sewer a big old fish tale. I may be a land lubber, but part of my heart belongs to the sea and the creatures both real and imagined that lurk within it.
Because of my early love for Nessie, I’ve been a sucker for aquatic horrors all my life. I know there are plenty of others out there just like me. Which is why I wanted to share my list of sea creature features you should check out. I’m going to leave out movies like Jaws, Humanoids from the Deep and Creature from the Black Lagoon because, well, that’s just too easy. Here are 10 others that will satisfy that wet monster itch.
10. The Beast From 20,000 Fathoms (1953): This classic sci-fi monster movie is a classic for a reason, featuring a giant dinosaur-like creature unleashed by an atomic bomb test that wreaks havoc on New York City. It features some amazing special effects by the legendary Ray Harryhausen and a thrilling plot. I fell in love and awe of this movie as a kid and that hasn’t change one iota over the years.
9. It Came From Beneath The Sea (1955): This classic film stars none other than the giant octopus created by, who else, Ray Harryhausen, the renowned special effects maestro. Its tentacles reach out to destroy San Francisco before it can be stopped. It cemented my inability to even comprehend eating octopus.
8. The Host (2006) – This South Korean horror movie follows a family that must battle a monster that lives in the polluted Han River. It’s an intense and non-stop thriller that will have you jumping out of your favorite armchair.
7. The Bay (2012) – This horror movie follows a small town that must battle a mysterious creature living in the Chesapeake Bay. Talk about a movie that doesn’t get the love and attention is deserves. You’ll never fish or swim in the Chesapeake Bay again. Pure parasitic perfection!
6. Orca (1977): This film follows a fisherman as he attempts to take revenge on a killer whale that killed his pregnant wife. The suspenseful story is full of action and a lot of exciting underwater scenes and stars Richard Harris and the beautiful Bo Derek. I was OBSESSED with this movie when it came out. I remember the back of every comic book at the time had a full page ad for the movie.
5. Piranha (1978): This movie follows a group of people as they battle a school of piranha that were released into a lake by an earthquake. Okay, maybe not a threat from the depths, but damn is this a fun one. You can’t beat a movie written by John Sayles and directed by Joe Dante!
4. Tentacles (1977): This movie follows a team of scientists as they investigate a series of mysterious disappearances in the Mediterranean Sea and discover a giant octopus is responsible. Maybe not the finest example of quality moviemaking, but a must see for you sea monster completists.
3. The Shallows (2016) – This movie follows a surfer (Blake Lively) who must battle a great white shark while stranded in the middle of the ocean. For most of the movie, it’s just Blake, a seagull, a killer shark and a bloated whale corpse. And somehow, it all works as the second best shark movie of all time.
2. The Deep (1977): This film follows two divers as they search for buried treasure off the coast of Bermuda and run into trouble with a giant shark. The underwater adventure is full of suspense and some of the best underwater scenes of the decade.
- DeepStar Six (1989) – This horror movie follows a team of deep-sea miners who must battle a giant sea monster. It’s a great mix of horror and suspense that has attained classic status for many.
What are some of your favorites? How many on this list have you seen? Most importantly, can you recommend something I may not have watched? Bring it on!
The Gill Man Trio
Universal Studios’ Creature from the Black Lagoon is a classic monster that has terrified and captivated audiences for decades. By far my favorite of the Universal Monsters (and the last of the line), ol’ Gill Man is a lover and a fighter with impeccable taste in women. The creature’s distinct look and terrifying presence has made it one of the most iconic monsters in film history. I strongly urge you to read The Lady from the Black Lagoon, the story of the Creature’s creator, Millicent Patrick. Talk about a woman being overshadowed by a male dominant industry.
There are plenty of CFTBL fans, but surprisingly, many aren’t aware that the classic film has two sequels. Hell, I didn’t know until well into my horror lovin’ adulthood. Over the course of a few years in the 1950s, there were three Creature from the Black Lagoon movies, and each one has its unique charm and appeal. Come grab my claw as we compare the three Creature from the Black Lagoon movies and explain why Universal monster fans need to watch them all.
Before we dive into the movies themselves, let’s take a brief look at the history of the creature. The Creature from the Black Lagoon is the aquatic love child of producer William Alland, who was inspired by the discovery of the coelacanth, a prehistoric fish that was believed to be extinct for millions of years. For folks interested in cryptozoology, the ugly fish’s reappearance is what gives Nessie and Squatch hunters hope.
The first film in the series is the titular Creature from the Black Lagoon, released in 1954 and directed by Jack Arnold (who also helmed flicks like Tarantula and The Incredible Shrinking Man). The film tells the story of a group of scientists who venture deep into the Amazon to study the unusual findings of a colleague who was previously attacked by a mysterious creature. As they continue their expedition, they realize that the creature is not only real, but it is also dangerous and determined to protect its territory.
The first film is a classic monster movie that set the tone for all future creature features. The creature itself is an impressive feat of practical effects and underwater photography. You’ll find nothing more beautiful and suspenseful that Julia Adams (the most alluring woman in horror movie history) taking a dip with a horn dog and curious prehistoric beast swimming just underneath her, mimicking her moves and daring to touch her toes. Just when you though it was safe to swim in the Amazon! Throw in a killer score, some light hearted comedy thanks to captain Lucas and, well, the mere presence of pipe smoking Whit Bissell and you have all the ingredients for monster gold.
I was fortunate enough to meet both Julia Adams and Ricou Browning (the man behind the mask and suit). Their signed pictures hold a special place on our wall. I also peppered CFTBL references all throughout by novella, They Rise. Give it a read and see if you can spot them all. Good luck!
The second film in the series is Revenge of the Creature, released in 1955. The movie picks up where the first film left off and tells the story of the creature being captured and transported to a research facility in Florida which also doubles as a public aquarium. The creature’s captors soon realize that it is more intelligent than they previously thought, and it quickly escapes, wreaking havoc on the city. And be on the lookout for a young Clint Eastwood playing a scientist in one of his very first roles.
Revenge of the Creature is a fun sequel that adds new dimensions to the creature’s character. The film is full of classic monster movie tropes, such as the monster on the loose in a populated area, but it also has some unique elements, such as the creature being trained to perform tricks at the research facility. The underwater sequences are once again impressive, and the creature’s suit has been improved since the first film. If you enjoyed the first movie, you will love Revenge of the Creature. Oh, if only this level of pandemonium would happen at Sea World. I’d pay good money to be there.
The third and final film in the series is The Creature Walks Among Us, released in 1956. This time around, a group of scientists successfully capture the creature and try to study its biology by performing surgery on it. The operation is a success, but it also causes the creature to become more humanoid, which leads to an identity crisis (not sure what pronoun to use here) and a desire for revenge. The transformation of the creature is downright bat shit nuts. Methinks they did so to get it on land and save some cash on all the underwater shoots. I also think Drax from Guardians of the Galaxy bears a striking resemblance.
The Creature Walks Among Us is an interesting conclusion to the series that takes the creature’s story in a new direction. The movie is more focused on the human characters than the creature, which may disappoint some fans, but it also allows for a deeper exploration of the creature’s motivations and emotions. The underwater sequences are once again impressive, but the film also includes some interesting scenes set on land. The lesson here – don’t fence the Gill Man in! If you try, you do so at your own peril.
So, why should Universal monster fans watch all three Creature from the Black Lagoon movies? Watching the movies allows fans to appreciate the creature’s design and development over time. Secondly, the movies are classic monster movies that set the standard for all monster movies that came after them, ala Humanoids from the Deep or, say, even something trashy like Slithis. The Creature from the Black Lagoon movies are not just important for their impact on the horror genre, but they are also entertaining and fun to watch. Each movie has its unique charm and appeal, from the suspenseful first film to the fun and campy second film, to the thought-provoking and emotional third film. Watching all three movies allows fans to experience the full range of what the series has to offer, as well as bearing witness to the end of one of the greatest monster making eras in movie history. There will never be another Universal cranking out terrifying creatures for decades. And we as a viewing audience will never be as innocent again and easily made aghast. Makes me kind of wistful and sad. But happy as hell I have these movies to watch over and over again.
Top 7 Horrors in the Movie Theater
Howdy Hellions! It’s been a long time since I put together a list like this, but after watching one of the below flicks, I thought it was time to cobble one together. Now that we all stream our entertainment most of the time, going to an actual theater is a welcome and special event. I practically grew up in theaters, and the damn pandemic stole one of my life’s greatest pleasures from me for a while. Luckily, my daughter just got a job at the Alamo Drafthouse near us, so I’ve been making it a point to hit the theater once a week.
One of the things I always loved to see on the big screen was horror movies set in a big screen. Watching it kind of felt like we the viewers and actors were all in the same theater, and the lurking terror was all around us. From the hilarious interactions between David and Jack and the recently dead in An American Werewolf in London, to the mysterious paranoia Jay’s date exhibits in It Follows, there’s something about watching the terror unfold in the same environment where you think you’re safe, watching it all, is a bit of a thrill.
So, here in my very subjective order, is what I think are the top 7 movie theater horrors. I wonder what makes your list…
7. THE BLOB
Who can forget the iconic scene of terrified teens fleeing the theater as the gelatinous creature from outerspace oozes from the exits? I prefer the remake in the 80s, but nothing beats the visuals set down way back in 1958.
6. THE LAST MATINEE
This nasty little gem from Uruguay will haunt your cinematic dreams, especially if you have a thing…like me…about eyeballs. Set almost entirely in a movie theater, once the action starts it never lets up.
5. POPCORN
With an unforgettable last act that makes it a standout for the early 90s (with a definite 80s feel), Popcorn also has a stellar cast – Jill Shoelen (The Stepfather), Dee Wallace, the late Tom Villard in a brilliant, manic performance, all written and directed by the great Alan Ormsby (Children Shouldn’t Play with Dead Things). Popcorn, buy a bag, go home in a box! I miss those great taglines.
4. THE TINGLER
Where is the next William Castle? Not only is a creature on the prowl in a theater on the screen, it may just be running past your feet in your own theater! My father hooked up the Tingler devices when he worked at his local theater as a kid. Vincent Price never mailed it in, no matter how cheesy the premise. The Tingler is a horror classic. Remember to scream, scream for your life!
3. PORNO
What happens when the tired workers at a little hometown theater find a hidden porno theater below it? Madness, gore and hilarity, of course. This main feature from the folks at Fangoria is an absolute blast. Gentlemen, prepare to experience some crotch sympathy pain. Seriously.
2. THE FINAL GIRLS
This has become one of my all time favorite movies, hands down. When a teen girl goes to a showing of her deceased mother’s 80s slasher movie, a fire in the theater leads to them escaping into the movie itself. Screamingly funny, tear-jerkingly poignant, with some fantastically framed scenes that will stick in your brain like they were made of Gorilla Glue. It’s a fun homage to 80s slashers with a killer cast.
- DEMONS
I’m not a big fan of Italian horror, so the fact that this is my #1 speaks to it’s sheer bonkers-ness. Patrons are trapped in a theater flooded with blood thirty demons. So much splattery fun. The sequel is pretty much the same movie, but set in building and parking garage. Bring out the super red blood and practical effects!
Top 13 Horror Movies of 2021
Happy New Year, Hellions! Somehow, the start of 2022 feels worse than 2021. Now that’s an incredible feat. No matter how dire things seem in the world, at least we have horror movies to watch in the safety of our own homes. One thing 2021 brought us was Tubi stepping up their horror game, flooding the free streaming channel with a bevy of gems and turds and movies almost no one has ever heard of. It gave me hope that even after 50 years of watching horror flicks, there are still plenty out there to be discovered.
For most of last year, I wasn’t sure I would find 13 movies to put on my list. That only made sense, considering the shit show that was 2020 and what it did to the movie industry. Then, I did my usual end of the year binge and the list was complete! A post-Christmas miracle! Now, if you want to see what I thought of each of my top 13, you can watch it all unfold on the Final Guys podcast (plus get a grab bag of other movies that Jack, Jason and Tim put on their lists). Mind you, I’d had a very rough day at work before we recorded and drank some high octane spirits on an empty stomach. Which means I was hopefully more amusing than usual. Or annoying, if you ask Jason.
And for those who just want the damn list and none of the palaver, here it is, in order.
13. A QUIET PLACE 2
12. WE NEED TO DO SOMETHING
11. WEREWOLVES WITHIN
10. MY HEART CAN’T BEAT UNLESS YOU TELL IT TO
9. BLOODY HELL
8. JAKOB’S WIFE
7. THE NIGHT HOUSE
6. ANTLERS
5. SHADOW IN THE CLOUD
4. LAST NIGHT IN SOHO
3. NO ONE SLEEPS IN THE WOODS TONIGHT PARTS 1 & 2
2. PSYCHO GOREMAN
1. MALIGNANT
**Bonus honorable mentions – VICIOUS FUN, SLAXX, VHS 94, LAMB and the uber odd TITANE.
Now that I’ve showed you mine, I want to see yours? What were some of your favorites?
Top 13 Horror Comedies
Things are finally opening up and we’re all slowly going to crawl out of our houses over the next few weeks. After what the world has been through the past three months, I’m very concerned about the impact this will have on the horror genre. Will people want more scares after the coronavirus? I have a strong feeling that therapists won’t have a free hour in the day for years to come. This pandemic has given birth to a host of new fears for many, some still lurking under the surface and waiting to leap out the moment folks start to regain their equilibrium. I speak from experience, having grappled with a crippling anxiety disorder twenty years ago. If you’ve been sheltering in your house for months watching the news and worrying, it’s going to leave a scar.
So, what will the wave of the horror future be? I think what people need now more than ever is laughter. We’ve dwelled in the darkness for too long. We need the light. Luckily, if you’re a die hard horror fan like me in need of a chuckle, there are a lot of good movies out there to satisfy your craving while letting in the light. Here are 13 movies guaranteed to give you a break from your worries. What are some of your favorites?
EXTRA ORDINARY
EVIL DEAD 2
ELVIRA, MISTRESS OF THE DARK
SHAUN OF THE DEAD
SIGHTSEERS
WHAT WE DO IN THE SHADOWS
SATANIC PANIC
FINAL GIRLS
A HAUNTED HOUSE
KILLER KLOWNS FROM OUTER SPACE
STUDENT BODIES
YOUNG FRANKENSTEIN
BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER
Top 13 Horror Movies of 2019
Happy New Year, my hellions! I hope you all survived the holidays with your gray matter intact. With the start of the new year comes the obligatory list of horror movie badassery. The genre has been on a roll lately and I was hoping to close out the decade with a bang. Alas, that wasn’t so. I was genuinely worried that I wouldn’t find 13 good flix to put on my list. Thank Cthulu (and a case of the Christmas cruds) that I had some downtime to search desperately for any and all horror movies and my new Roku to help me watch them. So, let’s get on with it, shall we? And as always, I’ve provided trailers to get your motors humming.
#13 – SWEETHEART
This little number dropped on Netflix just in time to make the 2019 cut. It was The Creature From the Dessert Island and I dug the hell out of it. A girl washes up on a beautiful, remote island, only to find out there is a killer sea creature that comes ashore each night looking for fresh (or even dead) meat. Two gills up!
#12 – US
Yes, I know Jordan Peele is the second coming of John Carpenter, Alfred Hitchcock and Rod Serling all rolled into one. Us is a slick flick with some great performances and real laugh out loud moments. But once I tugged on the story’s thread, the whole thing just fell apart for me. It gets on the list for its quality. Just don’t spend any time trying to figure out the logic of it all.
#11 – PIERCING
What a hella weird movie. Just what the doctor ordered on a cold and dark December night. A man decides he absolutely must kill a hooker and gets a hotel room ready for the dirty deed. Only the lady of the evening is nothing he was expecting. The city is comprised of models and you never get a sense of time and place. It’s a freaking fever dream that would give David Lynch or David Cronenberg a right stiffie. Mia Wasikowska is outstanding.
#10 – SATANIC PANIC
Pretty pizza delivery girl goes to the very wrong house and gets mixed up in a night of sacrifice at a suburban cult. All I can say is that this is a blast. Zippy, bloody, funny as hell, because that’s where these soccer moms and dads want to party. Rebecca Romjin as the cult leader is just killer bee. One of my favorite horror comedies, for sure.
#9 – ZOMBIELAND 2
I had zero expectations for this one, especially since it’s been 10 years and an Oscar win since the first. But damn was I wrong. What makes these movies is the chemistry between our 4 survivors: Emma Stone, Woody Harrelson, Jesse Eisenberg and Abigail Breslin. I’ll be the first to say the zombie genre should have its head cut off, but then this comes along and forces me to eat some crow (brains). Now I actually want a third helping!
#8 – HARPOON
Three old friends take a trip to the sea and end up murderlizing each other in my biggest surprise of the year. The budget here is small, but the writing and acting are large. It’s plain fun in the sun with a dash of backstabbing brutality and cannibalism??? You have to see it to believe it.
#7 – CRAWL
A full on b-grade monster movie that gets a wide theatrical release? Shit yeah! Director Alexandre Aja drops a father and daughter into the eye of the storm where they are trapped in their rapidly flooding house filled with and surrounded by hungry alligators. Way better than it should be, Crawl is a throwback flick that’s only missing Ray Miland or Doug McClure. A must see.
#6 – THE NIGHTINGALE
In all honesty, this is the best movie I saw all year. It’s technically not a horror movie, though some things happen here that step well beyond anything Jason Voorhees has ever done. A woman with nothing left to lose tracks down the British soldiers who waster her family in 1825 Tasmania. Not for the faint of heart, this will both depress the heck out of you and lift you up.
#5 – MIDSOMMER
The second cult movie on the list, Ari Aster has done it again with his follow up to Hereditary. This is one long, trippy movie with an ending that will leave you speechless. Aster’s artistry flows from the veins of Kubrick and can be thoroughly enjoyed with no sound at all. He’s definitely working out some issues about pain and loss through his movies. This was also the year of looong horror movies (I’m talking to you, It 2) and the director’s cut of Midsommer is over three hours long! Worth every minute.
#4 – TIGERS ARE NOT AFRAID
This Mexican import grabbed me by the feels and kicked the ever-loving shit out of them. A band of orphaned children in a town run by a drug cartel are hounded by cartel killers. I haven’t had a movie affect me emotionally like this in a long time. It’s part fairy tale, part way-too-real and wholly unique and amazing.
#3 – VILLAINS
I’ll bet dollars to donuts most of you haven’t even heard of this one. I was lucky enough to catch it in the theater during it’s 3 day run. Starring Maika Monroe (It Follows) and Bill Skarsgard (Pennywise), this is instantly my favorite home invasion movie. A bumbling couple break into the home of 50s-looking homicidal maniacs. This is one I will own and watch every single year until I drop dead from too much horror.
#2 – READY OR NOT
Hands down, the most fun I had at the movies all year. Samara Weaving is cementing herself as the IT GIRL, knocking it out of the park in this satire about rich asswads who sell their souls for fortune and fame. I laughed so hard my jaw hurt. The kills are great and the ending is sheer perfection. Not one missed note. When I walked out of the theater, I said nothing was going to knock this from my number one spot. And then came…
#1 – DOCTOR SLEEP
I have no idea how Mike Flanagan pulled this one off. He had to make a movie that was a sequel to the movie, The Shining, as well as the book, and the follow up book, Doctor Sleep. This is the kind of stuff that needs to be studied in film school. It gives you all the nostalgia you have for The Overlook and adds a new chapter to the tale of Danny Torrance that is simply mind blowing. The movie itself is gorgeous to look at and the performances by Ewan McGregor and Rebecca Ferguson are spot on. This is a sweeping epic that you rarely see in horror and it’s a shame the opinions of boneheaded critics kept people from going to see it. I’m absolutely gobsmacked (love that word) by what Flanagan accomplished here and will be adding it to the steady rotation. I could write a book on all the things that make this great, but I’ll spare you all.
Vacation Horror – Top 10 Hotel/Motel Horror Movies
Ah, the dog days of summer are here. Time to beat the heat, or bask in it, and head to beaches and pools and sunny climes.
But us horror hounds know, even an innocent getaway can turn deadly in a flash (or perhaps, a slash?). For those of you loading your family into planes trains and automobiles between now and Labor Day weekend, here are 10 scary flicks you can show the kiddies to make your vacation a little more interesting. Click the movie poster to each to view the trailer. Might wanna bar that flimsy hotel door with a chair and have a weapon on hand….
10. MOUNTAIN TOP MOTEL MASSACRE
I haven’t watched this since renting it on VHS back in the 80s, but how could I not include it on the list? If you have motel or hotel in the title, you win!
9. HOSTEL
Now, you wouldn’t catch me ever staying in hostel. Not because I’m worried about being kidnapped and killed. More like I don’t want to be trapped in a tiny room smelling stranger’s farts all night. Howver, if you’re traveling through Europe on the cheap, beware!
8. 1408
Not my favorite King movie adaptation (or the only one on this list), but 1408 is a wild ride. I also love that John Cusack is a writer who pens true haunting books. Could be a glimpse of my future.
7. VACANCY
I think of this one every time I pass by a seedy roadside motel. A real nail biter that stars the lovely Kate Beckinsale. Frank Whaley as the motel front desk asshole is so icky, I can never look at him the same.
6. PUPPET MASTER : THE LITTLEST REICH
The latest addition to this long running franchise is by far the best. When a bunch of people go to a convention, the puppets go absolutely wild. If you haven’t seen this yet, do so now and thank me later (with beer).
5. THE DEVIL’S REJECTS
Rob Zombie’s best (and I’m looking forward to the sequel), this is the nastiest motel you will ever see. Raw, foul and unwavering. This does make you think, WTF is wrong with RZ? His posse is in full effect here, from Ken Foree to Sid Haig and of course, Sherry Moon.
4. PSYCHO
I can’t make this list without the godfather of motel horror. This is the slasher that started it all. A brilliant film that makes up in mystery and tension what it lacks in blood and body count. And that music! Go get ’em, Norman!
3. THE INNKEEPERS
I adore this movie. An old Massachusetts inn is about to close for good, and the last two workers on shift are out to prove the ghosts in its walls are real. And what an ending. Just like Psycho, it’s also blessed with a magnificent score.
2. MOTEL HELL
We all know it takes all kinds of critters to make Farmer Vincent’s fritters. One of the best cannibal movies ever made (next to Texas Chainsaw Massacre), you’ll laugh as much as you’re cringe. Sausage anyone?
- THE SHINING
Many moons ago, Stephen King went on a little vacation, staying at an empty, sprawling hotel in Colorado. It spawned the greatest ghost story ever told. The Shining may not be an exact retelling of his book, but that doesn’t dull the shine of Kubrick’s masterpiece. Who wants to walk the maze with me? The top 3 movies all share one thing – amazing music that still sends shivers down my spine.
The Horror Movies of 1987
The Monster Men are kicking off a new series of episodes where we go back in time and look at the horror movies that came out in a specific year. We started it all off with 1987 (the last year I was a single man) and boy, what a year! It may be the best of all time. Give the episode a watch and tell me what you think. What was your favorite horror movie of 1987? Also, what years would you like us to explore next?
Bugging Out With TICKS
As a man who makes his stock-in-trade trade in creature features, I make it a point to watch as many monster flicks as possible. Somehow, I missed the 1993 horror/scifi romp, TICKS. That was the year my wife got seriously ill, so there are quite a few things that flew under my radar. Cut to years later and I always assumed I had watched it. Well, I hadn’t…until now.
I’ve had TICKS on my Amazon Prime watch list for a while now. If I had realized it was Ami Dolenz on the poster, I would have watched it sooner. The daughter of Monkee Mickey Dolenz, I crushed on her when she played a genie in the movie Miracle Beach.
If you’re looking for pure icky bug mayhem and some gooey gore, TICKS is for you. We start with a very young Seth Green being sent to one of those city kids goes to the woods camp. He meets a street thug who threatens to kill him if he doesn’t make a free throw. That gutter punk is none other than dancing Carlton, AKA Alfonso Ribeiro. It’s wig flipping to watch him play the tough kid who also sells dope on the side. They’re picked up in a van by couple Holly (played by Rosalind Allen, who I remember from the soap, Santa Barbara, but was also the marine biologist on Seinfeld) and Charles (Peter Scolari, from Newhart and Bosom Buddies – ever wonder how much he truly hates Tom Hanks?). Their sullen daughter is along for the trip and they’re joined by bad boy Ray, his main squeeze Dee Dee (Ami Dolenz) and a girl who never talks.
Oh, did I forget to mention that Clint Howard is a filthy redneck who has some insane contraption that pumps steroids into his marijuana plants? It looks like something the Little Rascals or Bugs Bunny would make, only less sturdy.
That weird goo is what drips on a tick and starts the whole shit storm. I always let out a little cheer when I see Clint in a movie. He’s this generation’s Dick Miller (RIP). The ticks pupate in these ooey-gooey egg sacks and when they pop out, they’re about the size of a man’s hand. Giant ticks skitter everywhere, latching onto faces and backs, crawling up pants and burrowing under rippling flesh.
This is all practical effects and it’s glorious. Be warned, a dog gets the tick treatment and he does not fare well. The third act is freaking bonkers, with hordes of ticks descending on the cabin, pot farmers looking to kill the wilderness kids and something growing inside Carlton. I don’t want to give too much away, but take my word and watch it if you haven’t already. Alas, there’s no nudity, but you do get Dolenz in a very teeny black bikini. There’s plenty of slime and blood and ticks exploding like pus filled popcorn when flame touches them.
I wonder how Seth Green feels about this movie. If you didn’t know better, you would swear he would never get another acting gig. He’s that bad. But hey, he was young and learning. Without this, we might not get Buffy or Robot Chicken!
It’s been a while since I posted a movie review, but I felt this was good penance to make up for missing TICKS for the past 26 years. It is now my job to preach the word. The only thing creepier than the ticks in the movie are the millions of ticks around my house carrying Lyme Disease. Thank you, Plum Island buttholes for creating that little gift.
Now, go watch TICKS. I have to attend to my chiggers.
Oh, and if you revel in the squeamish delight of TICKS, your skin will crawl with joy when you read THE DEVIL’S FINGERS. Swap out bugs for a killer fungus and let the games begin!
Hunter Shea 