First, I want to thank Man Crates for coming up with this idea and urging me to part the cobwebs in my brain to come up with this list.It’s a very cool site that packages perfect gift crates for us dudes, pairing booze and man food and other awesome stuff. They even have a zombie survival crate. I’m partial to the personalized pint set that comes in an ammo can. Just in case you’re all wondering what to get me for Christmas.
This particular concept very apropos for Uncle Hunter, and not just because I’m a horror writer and the Halloween season is upon us. When I was a kid, I inhaled horror flicks. Instead of the usual nightmares any normal kid would have, I’d fall asleep imagining myself in the movie and coming up with better ways to beat down the monster. Little Hunter was far from normal.
Now, I don’t want to lug out the usual stuff – a machete, garlic, crucifix, blah blah blah. It’s been done to death (kinda like Hellraiser – just watch the last 4 movies if you don’t believe me). So, in the spirit of creativity and having a young brain warped by Chiller Theatre, here is my official horror movie survival kit
- A Beautiful Woman. That’s right. I’m talking a woman who stops traffic when she crosses the street. She doesn’t need super powers, arcane knowledge of curses or be a closet survivalist. I just need her to dig me, you dig? Which leads to number two…
- Condoms. I’m in a horror movie and pretty soon, I’m going to be fighting or running for my life. I want to spend some quality time with my exceedingly attractive lady friend before I literally piss myself. Plus, I want to be the one guy who has sex and lives! Imagine that!
- Ball Peen Hammer. Aside from the fact that I’ve always liked saying ‘ball peen hammer’, this is an underutilized defensive weapon. The head is fatter than a normal hammer and many times, the handle is thicker, too. That means less chance of it breaking in half at the worst possible moment. Plus, when I bash a baddie’s head in, I get to scream, “It’s hammer time, bitch!”
4. Hand Grenades. Imagine the look on Jason’s face (provided you’ve knocked his hockey mask off) when you drop a grenade on him. It’ll be a lot easier running from parts of Jason than the whole hulking killing machine. In fact, I’m pretty sure most killers and monsters don’t expect you to have military grade weaponry on hand. Take the element of surprise back and save yourself.
5. A Bottle of Macallan 25 Year Old Whiskey. During the inevitable breaks when fighting to survive, a quick jolt of some of the finest whiskey I ever had will keep me going. I mean, who wants to die when there’s more whiskey out there waiting to be drunk? You can also use it for a Molotov cocktail if things get really desperate. And with 25 year old whiskey, we’re talking it’s a flaming bottle or the abyss.
6. A Jet Pack. When all else fails, it would be nice to have a means of jettisoning the hell out of there and finding a safe place to lick your wounds and hide. Some days, you’re just not in the mood to battle evil incarnate. Take off for a nice spa resort and get back in touch with yourself.