Hunter’s Horror Movie Survival Kit

First, I want to thank Man Crates for coming up with this idea and urging me to part the cobwebs in my brain to come up with this list.It’s a very cool site that packages perfect gift crates for us dudes, pairing booze and man food and other awesome stuff. They even have a zombie survival crate. I’m partial to the personalized pint set that comes in an ammo can. Just in case you’re all wondering what to get me for Christmas.

This particular concept very apropos for Uncle Hunter, and not just because I’m a horror writer and the Halloween season is upon us. When I was a kid, I inhaled horror flicks. Instead of the usual nightmares any normal kid would have, I’d fall asleep imagining myself in the movie and coming up with better ways to beat down the monster. Little Hunter was far from normal.

Now, I don’t want to lug out the usual stuff – a machete, garlic, crucifix, blah blah blah. It’s been done to death (kinda like Hellraiser – just watch the last 4 movies if you don’t believe me). So, in the spirit of creativity and having a young brain warped by Chiller Theatre, here is my official horror movie survival kit

  1. A Beautiful Woman. That’s right. I’m talking a woman who stops traffic when she crosses the street. She doesn’t need super powers, arcane knowledge of curses or be a closet survivalist. I just need her to dig me, you dig? Which leads to number two…
  2. Condoms. I’m in a horror movie and pretty soon, I’m going to be fighting or running for my life. I want to spend some quality time with my exceedingly attractive lady friend before I literally piss myself. Plus, I want to be the one guy who has sex and lives! Imagine that!
  3. Ball Peen Hammer. Aside from the fact that I’ve always liked saying ‘ball peen hammer’, this is an underutilized defensive weapon. The head is fatter than a normal hammer and many times, the handle is thicker, too. That means less chance of it breaking in half at the worst possible moment. Plus, when I bash a baddie’s head in, I get to scream, “It’s hammer time, bitch!”

ball peen4. Hand Grenades. Imagine the look on Jason’s face (provided you’ve knocked his hockey mask off) when you drop a grenade on him. It’ll be a lot easier running from parts of Jason than the whole hulking killing machine. In fact, I’m pretty sure most killers and monsters don’t expect you to have military grade weaponry on hand. Take the element of surprise back and save yourself.

5. A Bottle of Macallan 25 Year Old Whiskey. During the inevitable breaks when fighting to survive, a quick jolt of some of the finest whiskey I ever had will keep me going. I mean, who wants to die when there’s more whiskey out there waiting to be drunk? You can also use it for a Molotov cocktail if things get really desperate. And with 25 year old whiskey, we’re talking it’s a flaming bottle or the abyss.

6. A Jet Pack. When all else fails, it would be nice to have a means of jettisoning the hell out of there and finding a safe place to lick your wounds and hide. Some days, you’re just not in the mood to battle evil incarnate. Take off for a nice spa resort and get back in touch with yourself.

jet pack

Advertisements

Tags: , , , ,

About Hunter Shea

Hunter Shea is the product of a childhood weened on The Night Stalker, The Twilight Zone and In Search Of. He doesn’t just write about the paranormal – he actively seeks out the things that scare the hell out of people and experiences them for himself. Hunter Shea is the product of a childhood weened on The Night Stalker, The Twilight Zone and In Search Of. He doesn’t just write about the paranormal – he actively seeks out the things that scare the hell out of people and experiences them for himself. His novels, Forest of Shadows, Evil Eternal , Swamp Monster Massacre , Sinister Entity, Hell Hole, The Waiting and Island of the Forbidden are published through Samhain Publishing’s horror line. Hell Hole was named Horror Novel Reviews #1 horror novel of 2014. His first thriller novel, The Montauk Monster, was released June, 2014 as a Pinnacle paperback, and was named by Publishers Weekly as one of the best reads of the summer. His follow up Pinnacle novel, Tortures of the Damned, a post apocalyptic thriller, will be out July, 2015. That will be followed up by his latest cryptid tale, The Dover Demon, in the fall through Samhain. His horror short story collection, Asylum Scrawls, is available as an e-book, straightjacket not included. Hunter is an amateur cryptozoologist, having written wild, fictional tales about Bigfoot, The Montauk Monster, The Dover Demon and many new creatures to come. A copy of his book, The Montauk Monster, is currently on display in the International Cryptozoology Museum in Portland, ME. He wrote his first novel with the express desire to work only with editor Don D’Auria at Dorchester (Leisure Horror). He submitted his novel to Don and only Don, unagented, placed on the slush pile. He is proof that dedicated writers can be rescued from no man’s land. He now works with Don, along with several other agents and publishers, having published over ten books in just four years. Hunter is proud to be be one half of the Monster Men video podcast, along with his partner in crime, Jack Campisi. It is one of the most watched horror video podcasts in the world. Monster Men is a light hearted approach to dark subjects. Hunter and Jack explore real life hauntings, monsters, movies, books and everything under the horror sun. They often interview authors, cryptid and ghost hunters, directors and anyone else living in the horror lane. Living with his wonderful family and two cats, he’s happy to be close enough to New York City to get Gray’s Papaya hotdogs when the craving hits. His daughters have also gotten the horror bug, assisting him with research, story ideas and illustrations that can be seen in magazines such as Dark Dossier.

4 responses to “Hunter’s Horror Movie Survival Kit”

  1. jonolsonauthor says :

    Reblogged this on and commented:
    Hunter Shea’s Horror Movie Survival Kit

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: